The Begining | Main Blog | Becoming Marie

Becoming Marie

The Begining

Broad thought on todays status of my transition, my coming out to family, and the beginning of my knowledge that something was wrong.
Hello again. I realize my initial introduction was brief, but that is kind of the point, Small bits of the past, mixed in with todays part of my journey.

So this week I had a Trainee ask to be moved to another trainer and got a new trainee in the process. I train people to drive OTR trucks. Dysphoria kicked in some because I went longer than normal on waxing my face, not as painful as it sounds after initial wax job. Friday will be the bad day. I hate giving myself these shots, they hurt. Why couldn't I have been born with the right body or the right internal feelings, one or the other. I hope you understand that statement by reading my thoughts and feeling on here. I've had some say, "Well if you hate it so much then don't do it." They don't understand that by not doing it I will reverse some of what I accomplished so far. That is worse than the pain of the shots, so much worse. Ive done a lot of things if my 50 plus years I am not proud of. Most of it was done because I was over compensating to be a person never really was but that was accepted by society. But I am jumping into the middle here. Let's go back to my memories of it all starting. As for today, things are going pretty good, except the shot of course. The body changes are coming along nicely if not to damn slow for my taste.

When I told my cousin who is more like a mom to me that I was going to change the first thing she said was, "I'm not surprised." You could have knocked me over with a drop of water. I was like wait it couldn't be that easy to break it to the one person who not only changed my diapers but loved me no matter what I did. I was scared to no end and fretted almost four months on how that encounter would go on Christmas Eve. No, I did not plan it to be an early Christmas present to her. We was having our yearly one on one and she asked me what was it I wanted to say. Never could hide anything from her, She defiantly inherited the grandma radar. She went to her children, one boy three girls and broke it to them. Even though they are like brothers and sisters I was till scared of their reaction. I am one of the lucky ones, they all accepted me as I am and what I was becoming. No question or judgements. That is what I call true love, in family way. It's the kind of love I am looking for in a partner as I'm sure everyone else is to. It was an interesting Christmas as well as the next one to say the least. This year more changes and we will see how it all works out.

I have been asked when did I know I was a trans woman. Thats a loaded question, when I was a child the term trans anything was not around except I did hear transvestite. I had no idea what that meant at the time. I knew something wasn't right very early but at what specific age I can not say, but I have been around for over a half century now so forgive me for not remembering everything. I do remembering wanting to grow my hair long, learn about makeup, and dress pretty like the girls did. I also wanted to join them for most of the little got togethers that they had but that wasn't allowed. I can remember going shopping for school clothes one year and when I looked at some really nice shirts and blouses I was told not those you get your stuff from over here. Did I ever say anything to anyone, no I didn't want to disappoint my dad and grandparents. They showed me what I should look at and activities I should be interested in by the things I received and places I was taken. Ok this is all I can do for this week. Look back in couple weeks for the next steps. It's really hard to put this out there because I got very good at hiding myself from others and baring out all this is painful enough to make me want to go cry. I even question as to whether I should put this out there, but as one person said, "You just might help someone else take the steps to becoming who they really are. Not a shell of a person living a lie.



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The Past